


In our darkest hours

by berryblonde



Series: in our bones (on the balcony) [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 03:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16009529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berryblonde/pseuds/berryblonde
Summary: A power outage in Detroit drives both Connor and Gavin out onto the balcony.





	In our darkest hours

**Author's Note:**

> You guys chose the angsiest one of the bunch, i fucking love you lmao  
> I hope you enjoy this!  
> This is not beta-read because I really wanted to post something, so all mistakes are mine.

_4 th December 2039_

 

There was something almost comforting about the silence that had settled itself upon Detroit, something soothing about the darkness that had engulfed the city so suddenly, swallowing up life and sound and light and warmth as it layered itself upon them, rendering them blind and immobile.

The cold December night left him freezing, the heaters in his apartment having given up service immediately after the power had gone out, the cold that crept into his very being near impossible to shake off, even with the warmth of his cat huddled up against his chest.

For some reason, and to this moment Gavin wasn’t sure what had possessed him, something had drawn him out onto the balcony, two pullovers and a thick jacket wrapped around his body as he stood under the part of the roof that extending itself over the balcony, granting him some semblance of refuge and shelter, shivering as a gust of cold December wind assaulted the flushed skin of his face, hands buried in thick, faux leather cloves as he fumbled for his lighter and cigarettes, cursing as he noticed the near emptiness of the packet he had kept in his jacket pocket.

He would have to go out to buy new ones soon, he thought to himself as he took one out and placed it between his lips, clicking the lighter a few times before bringing the flame up to the cigarette, shielding it with his other hand as he attempted to light it.

It took three attempts and more than one frustrated groan until the first drag to finally filled his lungs with smoke, burning in a way that was toeing the line between pleasant and uncomfortable, the bitter taste of nicotine on his tongue as he breathed out into the cold, December air.

The puff of smoke dissolved before his eyes, paling and fading into the darkness void of any lights the city usually possessed.

The image of a certain someone, leaning against the railing, talking and smiling softly, figure dimly illuminated by the moonlight, pretty doe eyes trained on the bright skyline of Detroit, their beauty only rivaled by the android looking at them with such a fascination on his face that it made Gavin melt into a puddle within milliseconds, turning him weak and flustered, wanting nothing more than to caress other’s face, tear away those gorgeous brown eyes from the sight in front of them, wanting them to see him, him, him, him and only him, for there to be only eyes for him and nothing else.

It was wistful thinking, he knew it, told himself so as he flicked his thumb against the cigarette and watched the traces of ash get carried away by the wind, bringing it up to his lips again and inhaling deeply.

A shudder went through his body, warmer this time, heat pooling in his chest at the memory, a fond smile stealing its way onto his lips.

Maybe that was why he had come out here.

Something about the balcony seemed to sooth his nerves, leading him out here whenever he was battling his demons, when he felt restless or frustrated, or sometimes, like today, when he felt lost.

Not just in the silent chaos that had overcome Detroit this evening, even though it certainly had acted as a catalyst when he had found himself in his apartment, unable to do any of the things that usually distracted him, his TV and computer dead and his phone slowly dying down.

No, something inside of him felt lost the whole day now, after being sent home early by none other than Connor.

The android had taken one look at him and decided that Gavin was absolutely not fit to work today, not with the bags under his eyes and elated heartbeat from all the caffeine he had been ingesting to keep himself awake.

He had found himself unable to lie to the other when Connor had asked him whether or not he had slept at all last night, a worried look in his eyes.

There was a sort of remembrance in his gaze that made Gavin flinch inwardly, knowing that the android was very likely thinking back to another time Gavin had spent the night sleepless, roaming the streets until late that night, coming back to the apartment complex at four in the morning, bloodied and bruised from a fight he now barely remembered, the memories fading away so unlike the soft touch of Connor’s fingers as he had examined the other’s injuries, voice calm and soothing as they talked.

It wasn’t the happiest memory, no, certainly not. But maybe it was for this fact that he still treasured it, for the bittersweet feeling it always evoked in him, a small smile tugging at his lips as he brought the cigarette up to his lips once more, taking a short drag before exhaling a cloud of smoke into the dead of the night, his only witness the stars shining still, so unaffected by what was going on below them, by all the silly problems the humans and androids wandering the planet were facing, unaffected by the turmoil that was going on in Detroit today.

There was something to envy about them, really.

They were watching the world from above, a sight to behold, observers but never players, nothing that happened on earth ever being able to bother them, their existence so far away that it took years upon years for their light to graze the earth.

They might be long dead by now, Gavin suddenly realized.

It was entirely possible that all the stars he watched and envied were long gone already, none the wiser of his thoughts, witnesses to a past society, a past era.

The thought sent shivers down his spine, cold and merciless in the freezing December night.

What would he do, where would he be when the light of the stars that were born this very moment reached the earth?

Would he be in his grave already, rotting and forgotten, having left nothing of value on this forsaken planet?

Would he be still standing out here, older but not yet on death’s door step, alone?

Would he be with someone, someone who had decided that despite everything, despite his flaws and faults and mistakes he was worth something, was worth sticking with, was worth being with?

Would he have even more regrets than he did now?

Or would he have been able to make amends by then, right as many wrongs as he could?

A door being opened tore him out if his thought, the cigarette in his hand almost burning his gloved fingers as he turned around in surprise, thumb flicking against it once more.

The ashes were lost in the cold air as a small smile tugged at his lips, not fake but not real, caught somewhere between the two. He couldn’t help the way his chest tightened yet warmed, the way he tensed up yet wanted to relax at the sight.

Part of him was more than happy to see the other, to not be alone out here watching the fallen city, loved being in the other’s company as he felt himself slipping, spiraling, falling, going down a train of thought he never liked, one that kept him away too many times.

There was something, however, a strange part that curled itself up as soon as he noticed the other’s presence, cold and defensive, desiring for nothing more than to be left alone, fighting against any and all possibility of its walls being torn down with a vigorous fury until it left him utterly exhausted yet unable to sleep.

It was irrational, sure, but Gavin was absolutely sure that the other’s sensors were picking up his inner conflict, analyzing and categorizing him in a way he absolutely despised, that made him shiver and left him feeling naked and vulnerable, resisting the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around his torso to shield himself from the android’s knowing gaze. Was is a knowing one? Or was Gavin overthinking, misinterpreting, was he being paranoid again, about to snark or snap something at the other and ruin whatever fragile peace hat settled between them?

Ridiculous. One wrong word or comment wouldn’t ruin everything they had, he was sure of that, even if he wasn’t sure about what exactly they had.

Still, a part of his brain couldn’t help but wonder and fear and be terrified that one wrong emotion, one wrong word from the other might set him off, causing him to shatter and destroy like his always did, forcing him to watch the mess he created once more burn, holding him back from intervening when he so obviously should.

A shiver ran down his spine. Gavin could only hope that Connor would blame the freezing cold for the shudder that had overtaking his body for a moment.

For a reason unbeknownst to him even he refused to appear any kind of weak in front of the other, not in an emotional sense. Not that Connor hadn’t seen him at a low point before, because he had. But this felt different, the way the android looked at him with a disgusting mixture of concern and fondness in his eyes left him feeling oh so vulnerable, in a way that he would never want to admit that part of him liked it.

“Would it be alright if I joined you?” The question was being asked carefully, tentatively, those lovely brown eyes that usually avoided directly looking at anyone that wasn’t Hank or by now, sometimes, Gavin, were trained at him, never leaving his own, gray ones for even a split second.

There was a moment in which Gavin wondered if Connor was even aware of the way he stared at him, contemplated bringing it up and teasing the other before internally kicking himself for it.

Mocking the android was the least of what he should be doing right now.

Instead, he settled for a quick laugh accompanied by the shake of his head, not knowing if it was real or not. “Sure. I mean, ‘s not like I can stop you from stepping onto your own fucking balcony,” he answered, desperately hoping to sound normal, not as strained and restless as he felt.

The other nodded, a somewhat exaggerated motion that still made Gavin wonder sometimes, brows scrunching together upon noticing the cigarette in the human’s hand.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Don’t need another lecture.” Gavin dismissed him before Connor had even gotten a chance to speak, absolutely not feeling himself in the mood for that conversation right now.

He knew how it would go, it always did.

Connor would tell him about whatever ingredients there were in his cigarette, listening them as if he was reading off the back of a pack of them, warning him about all the possible health damages.

“This way, you’re headed to an early grave, Gavin.”, he would say.

And without missing a beat, Gavin would answer like he always did:

“That’s the point, dipshit.” Effectively shutting Connor up, having to look away from the concerned and disappointed look in the other’s eyes, guilt rising in him for making such a sad look appear on the android’s face.

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t catch any possible response Connor gave, but it didn’t seem to matter.

The android walked up to the railing, as he always did, it was almost like a field of gravity pulling him there. Whenever the two of them found themselves out here, hell, even when Gavin simply saw Connor standing on the balcony from the window of his living room, observing the other as he stood still, mind everywhere except where his physical body was, he always, always, without fail and exception moved to where he was located right now, hands around the cold metal of the railing, back bent down ever so slightly, staring into the mess of colors and lights that Detroit was on a normal night.

Not tonight, however. No, despite the fact that Connor stood where he always stood, stance and posture the same, there was nothing to illuminate his figure besides the stars above and the LED on his temple, cycling a calm blue, some sprinkles of lonesome yellow whenever his mind seemed to wander too much.

He was quiet as Gavin flicked his thumb against his cigarette before taking another drag, inhaling and exhaling the smoke that filled his lungs, leaving behind a bitter taste and a burning sensation.

“When did you get home?” He asked, walking up to the android and positioning himself next to him, shivering at the display of thin clothing Connor wore.

Androids didn’t feel cold, but seeing one running around in nothing more than slacks, a white button up and a tie was still something else. It was uncomfortable, it was another reminder of how different they were, of all the work that had to have happened, of all the work and progress that still needed to be done.

Gavin resisted the urge to reach out to Connor, to touch the synthetic skin of his exposed forearms. Apparently, he had decided to add insult to injury and roll up his sleeves, exposing even more of himself to the cold, making Gavin shiver once more.

A few seconds of silence, of only his heartbeat audible in his ears, went by until Connor answered, the eyes that had been trained on the Detective now averted, refusing to look at anything besides the silent city in front of them.

“Only a few minutes ago. I saw you standing outside and decided to join no for the lack of other possible activity during the blackout.”

Gavin nodded, unsure what to make of the response, his paranoid mind immediately screaming at him that Connor didn’t really want to talk to him, that he was just bored, that he was just his last resort because there was nothing else to do, that-

Sometimes it was scary how well Connor seemed to know him by now, or maybe just how well Connor seemed to know the human psyche. The android still had trouble reading people outside of an interrogation setting, heaven knows who thought neglecting certain social programs was a good idea, but at times like these he seemed to have an excellent grasp of how his mind worked.

“That is not to say that I do not enjoy spending time with you, Gavin.” Soft, so soft, the way his own name sounded in Connor’s mouth made him feel weak in his knees.

“I do, I had just originally figured that you would prefer to be alone right now.” He turned his head, looking at Gavin expectantly, and if he hadn’t been paying such close attention Gavin wouldn’t missed the sudden gimmer of insecurity in the other’s eyes.

It was true, he had wanted to be alone, had wanted to sink into his own misery like he did oh so often.

Another flick against his cigarette, another puff of smoke dissolving into the freezing air.

But he couldn’t hurt Connor, and if there was anyone he wanted to share the evening with, it was him.

Strange, really. How he had gone from absolutely despising the other’s synthetic guts to feeling the world around him brighten up whenever he saw him. It wasn’t anything he had anticipated.

A shake of his head followed as he remembered that he had to give Connor some kind of answer, brown eyes looking at him with a silent question in them. “Do you want me to go?” They seemed to ask.

“No, it’s fine.” Gavin forced out, recognizing the strain of his own voice.

“I… I don’t mind.” He tried to smile at the other, hoping to get what he was feeling across. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn’t. But he wouldn’t dwell on it now.

Connor reciprocated the smile, and the sight of his LED turning from yellow to a calm blue, contrasting with the orange glow of Gavin’s cigarette was enough to make him feel slightly better.

There was a sort of heaviness in his chest, tight and unforgiving, weighing him down as he watched the glistering snow on the roof top from where he was standing with his back against the railing, head thrown upwards.

He breathed in, not smoke but cold air this time, burning all the same yet differently. His thought began to drift back where they had left off when Connor had interrupted them.

Regrets, hadn’t that been it? Yeah, he thought as he took another drag, noticing that the cigarette was almost burned down by now.

It wasn’t as if he wanted to think about them, not at all, but the darkness around them somehow kept his thought there, kept nudging and shoving him back to them.

He knew he regretted a lot of things he had done, a lot of decisions he had made. Some, he had tried to make amends for. Had apologized for them. The way he treated Connor before the revolution, and even somewhat after it was one of them, making him cringe and his cheeks heat up with embarrassment and shame whenever he thought about it.

Gavin hadn’t considered the other, or any androids for that matter, sentient, feeling beings back then. There was no doubt that he saw the errors of his ways now, saw that he had ben utterly wrong in the way he thought and acted. He had hurt people, had hurt Connor.

Sometimes he wondered if he hated androids. There were moments, more than once, when he had sat in front of his terminal or in the break room, more often than not alone at night, contemplating. Sometimes he wondered if all that hatred wasn’t just an outward manifestation of his own self-loathing, of his fury at his own inadequacy. Maybe it was never truly directed at those being whom he now knew to be juts as sentient as humans were.

And how could he not believe that androids were alive, not when he spend weeks and maybe even months watching Connor, laughing and smiling, genuine frustration and anger on his face when he couldn’t crack a case, the small, barely visible flashes of guilt whenever one of the big android revolutionaries, a PL600 if he remembered correctly, going by the name of Simon, appeared on the screen.

His thoughts had come full circle it seemed, back to guilt and regret. And now he couldn’t help but wonder.

“Connor,” he spoke before he could bring himself to stop, curiosity overwriting any semblance of self-restrained he usually had.

“Is there anything you regret?”

The question hung heavy between the two of them, the silence no longer comfortable but tense. From the way Connor’s head was angled Gavin couldn’t see his LED but he was sure it was glowing bright red right now.

“Regret?” Connor replied, and even in his peripheral vision Gavin could see the thoughtful expression on the other’s face, brows slightly furrowed, deep in thought now.

The quiet that had engulfed them previously was back, waiting to be broken as both of the refused to look at it other, Connor seemingly lost in thoughts and Gavin waiting for the other to go on, hoping he hadn’t crossed some unspoken boundary.

“There are a few things I regret, yes.” His voice was quiet, strained, as if he was struggling to put his feelings into words.

Gavin remained quiet, anxious that saying the wrong thing might stop Connor from talking. He had already suspected that there had been one or two things, there had to be, but he had never gotten to know what exactly they had been.

“There was… There was this one deviant. Daniel. When I was first activated, my first mission. It was a hostage situation; the family’s household android was supposed to be replaced.

He… he killed the family’s father, injured another officer and took the little girl hostage, threatening to jump off the roof with her.

I was sent in as a negotiator.”

“What happened?” Gavin asked, unable to stop himself.

“They shot him,” Connor whispered, eyes lost in the endless darkness of the city in front of them. He seemed to be far away, somewhere Gavin wasn’t able to follow.

“And I… I didn’t care. I tricked him, I lied to him, I… it was my fault they killed him, but I didn’t care. All I had to do was accomplish my mission, I was exactly the cold machine that I was supposed to be.”

A question raced through Gavin’s mind, sudden and persistent.

“What model was he?”

“A PL600. Like Simon.” Ah.

“Is that…?”

“Yes and no. It’s… it’s hard to look at Simon because I can’t help but see Daniel, shot dead.

But it’s not just that,” he said quietly, and of course it wasn’t. It would have been foolish to assume.

“I’m still constantly reminded of my role before I deviated, my role as the deviant hunter. Markus may have welcomed me as one of their own, but… not everyone else is as forgiving.”

Gavin nodded, eyes soft and sympathetic. The anniversary of the revolution last month had been hard for Connor, and he remembered them standing in this exact place back then.

“What about you?” Connor blurted out, turning the question back to Gavin.

This was what he had tried to avoid, he hadn’t want to think about his own guilt, even when the topic hadn’t left him alone.

“I… there’s a lot of things I regret, Connor. I’m fucking 37, I had a lot of time to do shit I ended up regretting.” He replied, but really, it wasn’t much of an answer. Gavin knew so himself as he dropped the cigarette stump onto the ground, crushing it under his shoe before taking out another one and lighting it.

The smoke that filled his lungs felt like a relief.

“You don’t have to talk about it, Detective,” Connor assured him hurriedly.

“Drop the Detective, dipshit,” Gavin grumbled, though there was no malice in his voice. “And it’s alright, you spilled your guts to me, I guess it’s only fair.

You know, for one I feel really shitty about the way I treated you lot back in the days. I shouldn’t have, I was wrong about you being just a machine. You’re probably more alive than some of us shitbags disguised as humans.”

There was a small smile tugging at Connor’s lips at Gavin’s words. He knew Gavin had been trying to better himself when it came to androids, had apologized to him before. But hearing him say it again filled him with a strange sense of satisfaction and hope.

“And then there are… other things. Fuck, am I really going to do this?”

Gavin’s free hand ran trough his hair, again and again as he spoke, and he knew his face must be a grotesque image of frustration.

“Yeah. One of the things I really regret I guess is losing touch with my brother in the way I did.”

“You have a brother?” Despite the fact that Connor tried to hide his surprise, it was obvious to Gavin.

“Yeah. A half-brother. He’s like three months older than me. We were pretty close when we were kids, and then suddenly… not as much.”

“What happened?” There was a strange sense of irony that made Gavin smile ever so slightly as Connor repeated the question he himself had asked earlier.

“He… I guess you could say we just wanted different things from life. Drifted apart. Got into a pretty bad fight when our dad died, I still got the scars on my face. Don’t worry, it’s not like I let him get away with that shit, broke his wrist pretty badly.

At the time I just fucking despised him, for always being better than me at fucking everything, because everyone just loved him so much and didn’t give a single shit about his younger brother.

But now, I just wish things had gone differently. We both did some fucking shitty things, but in the big picture it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help the fact that he was just a lot smarter than me and shit. So yeah.”

He took a deep drag from his cigarette, hoping the bitter taste would calm him. It did, to an extent, yet he still jumped in surprise when he felt Connor’s hand atop of his own, gloved one, the one that had held the railing tightly.

Suddenly, he wished he hadn’t been wearing gloves, wanted to feel the softness of Connor’s synthetic skin against his own.

“It’s not too late, Gavin.” Connor looked at him with such a sincerity that he felt almost bad for have to disagree with him

“I doubt the fucker even wants to see me. I said some pretty horrible things, we both did. I doubt there’s really much hope left, you know?””

“I think I do. But have you ever considered that maybe he feels the same way?”

“Even if he does, it doesn’t change anything.”

“Why not? You obviously wish things had gone differently. You change what has already happened, but you can affect the future.”

Connor’s thumb was drawing circles onto the back of his gloved hand, and Gavin couldn’t help but relax at the feeling of the other’s touch through the fabric.

“Maybe you’re right,” he forced out, still unsure but feeling himself unable to disagree with Connor, not when the android looked at him with such hope and assurance in his eyes.

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

The smile he earned as a reward was more than anything he had every wanted, the smile tinge of blue adorning Connor’s cheeks, barely visible in the darkness surrounding them feeling him with warmth.

“That’s all I’m asking. You may not believe me, but you deserve to be happy, Gavin.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” He said, attempting to pull his hand away from Connor, suddenly unable to look at him.

“I don’t believe you.”

He wouldn’t be able to bear watching the android’s smile falter, to witness the sadness in his eyes. Gavin didn’t want to hurt him, not anymore, but he also couldn’t lie to him.

“That’s okay.” The answer surprised Gavin, Connor’s voice wavering slightly as he spoke.

“It’s okay if you don’t believe me right now,” he told him, not allowing Gavin’s hand to escape from his own, holding it tight.

“But I hope you will someday. I really do.”

The affection in his voice made Gavin feel like there was a lump in his throat, rendering him speechless as he turned back towards Connor, watching the sad smile on the other’s lips.

He dropped his long forgotten, now barely more than a stump, cigarette.

Not trusting his own voice Gavin simply nodded, gulping down whatever doubt he had had and leaned his should against Connor’s, fingers still intertwined.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Connor simply nodded, turning so he could rest his cheek against Gavin’s head, wrapping his arms around the other.

Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like this, watching the dark city below them as they leaned on each other for a silent support, each lost in their own thoughts..

Only when the lights came back, bright and colorful against the night sky, was it that reality crashed upon them, tearing them out of their comfortable little bubble, forcing them to step back.

“I -” Gavin began, unsure where he was going with the sentence, the urge to say something, anything, suddenly possessing him.

Before he could get any further, Connor interrupted him.

“I think you should head to bed, Detective.” Part of Gavin wanted to protest, insist that he didn’t need to sleep just yet. That he didn’t need to leave Connor’s presence.

Yet again, his thought process was torn up by a certain android.

“However, due to your state of distress it might not be the most advisable thing for you to be alone right now. If it is okay with you, and only then, I could accompany you and enter sleep mode on your couch?”

There was no denying the spark of warmth that went through Gavin’s body at the suggestion, and he was absolutely sure that he had actually seen the flash of brightness and hope in Connor’s eyes despite the sheepish and shy expression the other wore.

“Yeah. Sure,” he answered, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“Gil will probably be happy to see you, heaven knows why that fucker loves you so much.” But Gavin knew why. How could anyone not adore Connor? With the soft smile that tugged at the other’s lips, there was no way that whomever laid eyes on him didn’t just simply fall in love.

“I think I’d like that very much.”

“It’s settled then. Now let’s go inside before I freeze my fucking balls of.”

And if anyone had asked him, he wouldn’t have been able to deny the warmth in his chest and the smile on his own lips as they entered Gavin’s apartment, fingers still intertwined.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to drop by and talk to me on tumblr [@unacceptable-bisexual](https://unacceptable-bisexual.tumblr.com)! <3


End file.
